Write, Edit, Write Again

Mario Lopez
05/25/05
EFL 4300-Writing

Topic: Talking about my grand mother in reference to her first relationship.

INTRODUCTION: Sex in our society
· Hook
· Grand mother’s background
BODY: My grandmother’s story
· His first boyfriend
· Time, place and situation (Environment)-Colombia around 1930, conservative country.
CONCLUSION: Personal opinion

Janthima Srisombat(O)
An interesting story from your childhood
Title: Crazy about The Japanese Cartoon Books

When I was 14 years old, I loved reading cartoon books. The special cartoon book for me was romantic Japanese cartoon books. Not only the story of Japanese books was interesting, but the hand-sketch cartoon was amazing also. That is the special character of Japanese cartoon books. In my free time, I was spent in reading these cartoon books so it made me had not any time to read and reviewed other books that I studied at the school. I spent a lot of money for Japanese cartoon books. It was two-third (need an s--two-thirds) of (possessive adj) pocket money. I have been buying Japanese cartoon books every day for six months. The more I bought, the more I had. I was worried about where I should hide them from my mother. I decided to hide all my Japanese cartoon books at the corner of my bedroom. I had not enough prudent. One day she came in my bedroom, then she found many Japanese cartoon books. She knew immediately what the cause of my low grade point average was. She punished and scolded me. She stopped giving me pocket money for two months. It made me appreciate in value of money. And that was the first time I began managing my time and money in the right way by myself. ( This is a good narrative.)

1. I love romantic Japanese cartoon books.
2. I spent a lot of money for Japanese cartoon books.
3. My mother punished and scolded me.
4. I didn’t have any time to read and review book that I studied at the school

Second Draft

When I was 14 years old, I loved reading cartoon books. The special cartoon book for me was romantic Japanese cartoon books. Not only the story of Japanese books was interesting, but the hand-sketch cartoon was amazing also. That is the special character of Japanese cartoon books.
(Try substituting some pronouns so that you don't need to repeat the same nouns so many times.)
In my free time, I spent most time for reading these cartoon books(comma) so I did not have any time to read and review other books that I studied at school. I enjoyed reading the Japanese cartoon books after I have eaten(use simple past tense here) in the evening. When I finished my cartoon books, I slept happily.

I spent a lot of money for Japanese cartoon books. It was two-thirds of my pocket money. I had been buying Japanese cartoon books every day for six months. The more I bought, the more I had. I was worried about where I should hide them from my mother. I decided to hide all my Japanese cartoon books at the corner of my bedroom. I was not prudent enough.

One day she came in my bedroom, then she found many Japanese cartoon books. She knew immediately what the cause of my low grade point average was. She punished and scolded me. She stopped giving me pocket money for two months. It made me appreciate the value of money. And that was the first time I began managing my time and money in the right way by myself.

1. I love romantic Japanese cartoon books.
2. I spent a lot of money for Japanese cartoon books.
3. My mother punished and scolded me.
4. I didn’t have any time to read and review book that I studied at the school

To talk about sex in our societies is an impossible task; this topic reflects the ignorance in some of our countries. I remember a story that my grand mother( this is one word) told me some years ago. When she was a young woman, she had never heard the word ‘sex’. When she had her first and only boyfriend in her life, her parents did not know anything about her relationship because they believed that to have a boyfriend was not good for the family and their daughter .In addition, Colombia around 1930 was a very conservative and religious country. For example, it was impossible talk about sex and some kind of relations because this was considered like a big offence to God. In other words, every thing( this can be one word) in relation to sex was a sin. Before grandmother married, she did not know anything about the relations(comma) and grandfather did not either. In addition, my grand mother told me that this situation was terrible when they were together for the first night. After that, they discovered many things about their sexuality as a couple, and she had twelve children. Lastly, I believed that this funny story from my grandmother is a good example which reflects about the big secret that is sex in some societies. (Good work.)


To talk about sex in our societies is an impossible task; this topic reflects the ignorance in some of our countries. I remember a story that my grandmother told me some years ago. When she was a young woman, she had never heard the word ‘sex’. (" sex")When she had her first and only boyfriend in her life, her parents did not know anything about her relationship because they believed that to have a boyfriend was not good for the family and their daughter .In addition, Colombia around 1930 was a very conservative and religious country. For example, it was impossible talk about sex and some kind of relations because this was considered like a big offense to God. In other words, everything in relation to sex was a sin. Before grandmother married, she did not know anything about the relations, and grandfather did not either. In addition, my grand mother told me that this situation was terrible when they were together for the first night. After that, they discovered many things about their sexuality as a couple, and she had twelve children. Lastly,( In this narative, it isn't necessary to use a transition word like this. You can just omit.) I believed(You can use the present tense here because it is a feeling that continues into the present time.) that this funny story from my grandmother is a good example which reflects the big secret that is sex in some societies.

Prepositional phrases often follow nouns to give us more information about their location. Let's start with a noun like juice.If we want to be more specific, we could say,"the juice in the glass." Now we have another noun, glass. We can say something more specific about that noun, too. We could say, for example, " the glass on the table." Let's put those nouns and phrases together: the juice in the glass on the table. We could even go one step more and tell something about the location of the table: the juice in the glass on the table in the kitchen. Notice how the prepositional phrase directly follows the noun it is talking about.

Assignment:
Make a series of 2 prepositional phrase groups using on, in, under, by, or near and beginning with the following nouns : bicycle, chair, picture, coffee cup, shoes, newspaper, man. Don't forget to use an article with your nouns.
Example: car--a car near the tree in the parking lot

I introduce Expo that happened in Dae-jon. Korea.
This event happens once in every 4 years in the world.
We see so many things in this event such as technology abilities, world wide cultural treasures, and play places (like Disneyland).
For example, world wide cultural treasures show display Egypt, Japan, Korea, France, England, and so many countries' treasures.
This event changes a location many cities in the world once every 4 years.
So many people from all over the world came to this event.
And many world wide(put hyphen between world and wide) singers came to this event.
This event place nears my house.
I went to this event places so many times.
And I support this event’s supporter. (What does this mean?)
And I took part in Expo’s soccer game, cycle marathon game. (It isn't good to begin sentences with and)
'koomdori' is a symble in Expo.
This symble in Expo is a very famous in this festival.
This place(verb)near the kumkang river is a beautiful.
A fish under the river is called "koomdori fish". ( This doesn't hold together as a paragraph very well. Try to tie it t ogether with some more conjuctions and prepositions.Can you find another word for event?)

Second draft

I introduce Expo that happened in Dae-jon. Korea.This event happens once in every 4 years in the world.We see so many things in this event such(I think you should use a comma here.) as technology abilities, world wide cultural treasures, and play places (like Disneyland).For example, world wide cultural treasures show display Egypt, Japan, Korea, France, England, and so many countries' treasures.This event changes a location many cities in the world once every 4 years.So many people from all over the world came to this event.And many world-wide singers came to this event.Because this event(you could use a pronoun here to avoid repetition) took place near my house, I went so many times, and I was this event’s supporter.I took part in Expo’s soccer game,(use the conjunction and here instead of a comma because you only have 2 things) cycle marathon game. 'Koomdori' is a symbol in Expo.This symbol in Expo is very famous in this festival.This place is (not needed)near the Kumkang river is beautiful.A fish under the river is called "Koomdori fish".

For a hundred years, soccer has been (need article) famous sports, so soccer game which called(passive voice)the World Cup is held every four years. Finally( I don't think you want to say finally so soon), The World Cup is out of the most famous sports event in the world. And then, the World Cup had been held in Korea and Japan in 2002.

My country had advanced to the World Cup six times; however, unfortunately, they never had won the game. So, many Korean people had been longing for a victory in the World Cup. And then, dreams came true. My country won the game from the preliminary league for the first time, and the Korean soccer team continuously won the game. So, most Korean people were wildly excited.

Whenever they won the game, people rushed out into the streets in every city. They wore red shirts because the Korean soccer team's uniform it's red. They were supporters who were named "Red Devils" for the Korean team. So, the streets were covered with red which seemed like a wave.
We called Red Devils, " The 12th of a fighter", because their supports raised the morale of the Korean soccer team, so they could win the game in the World Cup.

At last, Korea advanced to the semifinals(here you need a comma--see page 281 in grammar book) which had never happened before. So, the Korean team's coach, Hidink, became a national hero.
Although they lost in the semifinals, they played well. So, until now, it remains in our mind. In the 2002 Korea-Japan World Cup, Red-Devils let the world know how powerful they were.

Second draft

For a hundred years, soccer has been a famous sport, so soccer game which was called the World Cup is held every four years. So, The World Cup is one of the most famous sports event in the world. And then,(This isn't useful here.) the World Cup had been(simple past tense is better here.) held in Korea and Japan in 2002.

My country had advanced to the World Cup six times; however, unfortunately, they never had won the game. So, many Korean people had been longing for a victory in the World Cup. And then, dreams came true. My country won the game from the preliminary league for the first time, and the Korean soccer team continuously won the game. So, most Korean people were wildly excited.

Whenever they won the game, people rushed out into the streets in every city. They wore red shirts because the Korean soccer team's uniform it was red. They were supporters who were named "Red Devils" for the Korean team. So, the streets were covered with red which seemed like a wave. We called Red Devils, " The 12th of a fighter", because their supports raised the morale of the Korean soccer team, so they could win the game in the World Cup.

At last, Korea advanced to the semifinals, which had never happened before. So, the Korean team's coach, Hidink, became a national hero. Although they lost in the semifinals, they played well. So, until now, it remains in our mind. In the 2002 Korea-Japan World Cup, Red-Devils let the world know how powerful they were.

Pongpoth Pinitpreecha (Paul)

An interesting event that happened in your city

Title : Tsunami in Thailand

Tsunami in Thailand killed many people and become to the nightmare of Thais. In the morning lately of December 26,2005 , most people still slept and didn’t know before that it would happen. Suddenly many gigantic waves , called “Tsunami” , swashed into the coast of south-west Thailand . It killed approximately 8,000 persons , including foreign travelers. The major cause of the Tsunami in Thailand was from an earthquake in Indonesia (Sumatra Island) , furthermore , Thailand didn’t have a warning system. However , the government hurried to find out the preventing and correcting measures and restored many places which were damaged from it. Moreover , everyone felt sympathetic and contributed something for someone who suffered from this effect.
Eventhough it passed 5 months ago , specialists have still discuss about the ways to help Tsunami victims. The best way is
Finally , we all hope this event will not happen in Thailand and other places in the world because none of us want to see like the catastrophe. (Good use of transition words.)

Second Draft

Tsunami in Thailand killed many people and became to the nightmare of Thais. In the late morning of December 26,2005 , most people still slept and didn’t know before that it would happen. Suddenly many gigantic waves , called “Tsunami” , swashed into the coast of south-west Thailand . It killed approximately 8,000 persons , including foreign travelers. The major cause of the Tsunami in Thailand was from an earthquake in Indonesia (Sumatra Island). Furthermore , Thailand didn’t have a warning system. However , the government hurried to find out the preventing and correcting measures and restored many places which were damaged from it. Moreover , everyone felt sympathetic and contributed something for someone who suffered from this effect.
Even though it passed 5 months ago, specialists have still discussed about the ways to help Tsunami victims. Some agreed that the best way should make people realize what Tsunami is by pressing and learnt about the natural system. For example(comma) if human beings know to use resource(plural) carefully, the nature will not do some disaster with them. Others agreed that people should observe the phenomena that have something wrong such as changing of behavior of animals and the weather.
Finally , we all hope this event will not happen in Thailand and other places in the world because none of us want to see another catastrophe.

This story is my grandfather's younger brother's experience. When he was a youth, he had the strength of a horse. He could pick up a 360-pound (you don't need the s here becausethe noun is being used as an adjective)rice bag at once and was so smart. When he was in his 20s, he was commandeered by Japanese military in Korea during World War 2. He was moved to north China and conducted war. However, he didn't understand why he was being attacked and thought it wasn't to anybody's advantage even though he survived during the war. He was anxious because this war broke out from Japanese ambition, and sometimes he had to kill other Koreans who were aganist the Japanese army. Then he felt guilty and decided to escape, so he killed two Japanese guards in one breath at midnight one winter in the 1930s, and he ran away. After that, he just headed south to beg meals and work anywhere for(use a or his to modify) living. One year later, my grandpa picked him up when he lived (preposition) Pyungyang, the capital city of North-Korea now, because he didn't have enough money to buy a train ticket, and he came back home. After I heard this story from my father, I didn't like Japan.

second draft

This story is my grandfather's younger brother's experience. When he was a youth, he had the strength of a horse. He could pick up a 360-pound rice bag at once and was so smart. When he was in his 20s, he was commandeered by Japanese military in Korea during World War 2. He was moved to north China and conducted war. However, he didn't understand why he was being attacked and thought it wasn't to anybody's advantage even though he survived during the war. He was anxious because this war broke out from Japanese ambition, and sometimes he had to kill other Koreans who were against the Japanese army. Then he felt guilty and decided to escape, so he killed two Japanese guards in one breath at midnight one winter in the 1930s, and he ran away. After that, he just headed south to beg meals and work anywhere for his living. One year later, my grandpa picked him up when he lived in Pyungyang, the capital city of North-Korea now, because he didn't have enough money to buy a train ticket, and he came back home. After I heard this story from my father, I didn't like Japan. (good)

I have lived in Sang-ju, Korea. My city has a special festival. It's the only bicycle festival in Korea. First, I'd like to introduce my city. Many people farm, but these days many people quit it because farming is hard work.The most famous harvest is dried persimmon. People like it ,and it's delicious. Also, it's expensive. I worked to make dried persimmons. My city is calm, and people are kind. If you come to my city, you will feel calm. Many people have bicycles because my city doesn't have developed transportation. Also, many students ride bicycles to school, and I rode a bicycle until I was 19 years old. When we rode a bicycle the first time, we rode four-wheeled cycles that have training wheels. After that, when we got used to riding four-wheels-cycles, (wheeled) we rode tricycles and then we rode bicycles. Every year we have bicycle festivals. I liked to celebrate the event of the bicycle festival that invited singers and displayed fireworks. When the festival starts, bicycles fill up all of the roads. It has many interesting events, and many people like it. We have free bicycles on the roads. You can use them any time, but you must return them after use. These days, students don't like to ride bicycles that much.( very nice)

Our first assignment will be to write a narrative. Remember to put things in the proper chronological (time) order, include some descriptions, and be interesting. The steps for today are as follows:

First, choose from one of the following topics for your essay:
A. An interesting event that happened in your city
B. An interesting story from your childhood
C. An interesting story about a grandparent or ancestor

Then:
1. Write a topic sentence and make a simple outline in proper form as we discussed in class.
2. With a partner, follow the outline and tell your story. Let your partner ask questions or make suggestions if your story isn't clear.
3. Add supporting details and make changes to your outline after the discussion.

How to Write a Paragraph
Before you write
A. Choose a topic
1.Assigned by the teacher
2.Your own choice
B. Get ideas by
1. Brainstorming
2.Making lists
3. Drawing pictures
C. Decide on a Controlling Idea and write a Topic Sentence
1. Make sure the style (narrative, cause and effect, etc.) is clear
2. Make sure you have included details
D. Choose your main points
1. From step B select useful information
2. Add more information if necessary
E. Find details and examples to support main points
F. Make an Outline
Write the Paragraph
A.Use the correct format
1. Indent
2. Double space
3. Use margins on both sides of the paper
B. Use the outline and key vocabulary
C. Use a variety of sentence structures
1. Simple
2. Compound
3. Complex
D. Write a conclusion that summarizes the main points
Check your work
A. Spelling
B. Subject-verb agreement
C. Complete sentences

This is where we will do in-class exercises so that we can look at alternative revision possibilities. I hope this will make it easier for you to compare ideas . My first edits will be with color text. I will highlight the parts of your work which need improvement. ( Of course, these do not represent all the possible corrections. More detailed feedback will be put on printed classwork.) The colors will represent problem areas and should help you see patterns in your mistakes:

Red for punctuation and capitalization (mechanics)
Blue for word problems such as: word choice or word order, missing articles or other missing words, preposition problems (clarity)
Yellow for spelling
Green for grammar: subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, incorrect verb form, sentence fragments, run-on sentences


Remember that your post should begin with your name and the name of the assignment. To be safe, you should do your work in a word-processing format and then copy-paste into the weblog because sometimes the posts get lost or don't publish correctly.